Look, I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t remember most of March but here we are at the beginning of April trying to make this work.
Monthly Stats:
- 11744 words drafted
- 45165 words revised
- 2 projects submitted
March was the month where I received three edit letters in two weeks, all for different projects and I just… I don’t understand how this overlap happened. I almost started crying from frustration. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
On March 1st, I submitted the next draft for “Bonne Nuit,” my short story in the Queer Beasties anthology. After that, I jumped back into Suitehearts 2 which was due March 6th. I was feeling extremely insecure about the draft the night before so I asked for and was granted a one-week extension which helped, but ultimately I knew the draft wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I submitted anyway on March 13th.
Falling from the high of being completely satisfied with Adult Romance #2 to feeling like a failure with 2 Suite 2 Hearts was humbling as hell. I also had high hopes for finishing my sample for DBAND but it didn’t happen. By the end of the month, I’d made it to 20k and subsequently lost all my drive. While I don’t think I’ve burned out(?), I do think something shifted in my brain.
My stress levels were admittedly high all month. Between important dayjob deadlines and meetings, failing self-imposed writing deadlines, and feeling less than stellar, I spent most of my free time doing nothing. During a writing group session (we meet twice a month), I said I felt like I was running out of words. My descriptions are all the same. I don’t know how to move through a scene anymore. I doubt every sentence, rewriting paragraph after paragraph several times. Thank God writing and reading dialogue still makes me incandescently happy otherwise I’d probably have to put myself on hiatus.
I don’t think I’ve hit another growth edge (the point where ambition outpaces skill and it’s time to level up) so I’m not sure why everything suddenly feels so terrible. I just feel… lost. Like I’m wandering through a gray fog. Can’t see the forest for the trees-type vibes because it’s all shrubbery to me. I don’t have writer’s block–I have plenty of ideas for my work and more than enough time to complete them. It’s not imposter syndrome because I don’t know her. I work too hard to fall for that. My desire and abilities are locked in a deathmatch and we’re all about to lose.
As I’m struggling with these conflicting feelings, the first edit letter arrives: adult romance #2 is back on the calendar. I’m not sure how vulnerable I want to get here but it’s no secret I have anxiety. Part of that manifests as believing everyone is lying to me, especially when it comes to writing. So when my editor says she loved my draft, in all caps mind you, I can only believe it for five minutes before anxiety convinces me the opposite is true. I’ve been trying to get a handle on this for years, and so far, I continue to suffer.
The edit letter itself was fine and in line with what I already had planned, but this is the last time I’ll be able to make substantial changes so the pressure is on with only thirty days to make it happen.
Shortly after, I got the second round of “Bonne Nuit” edits. And then last week, Suitehearts 2 edits. That went about as well as I expected, but I’m optimistic I’ll be able to pull through. We’ll see, though.
There’s this tether between me and my stories where I can feel the magic in them. That magic is what fuels my drive, pushes me to keep going, to keep writing, and it feels like it’s gone. It’s disappeared before, and will come back again, but I don’t know when.
April 2023 Goals
- Complete “Bonne Nuite” edits
- Final round of Adult Romance #2 developmental (and line) edits
- Get real about what’s happening with 2S2H and be honest about it
- DBAND *weary sigh*
- Write some things exclusively for myself
Here’s to next month and until next time,
Claire ❤
kannclaire.com 